15:13 & 12.03.04
Take my breah away

It's another day and I must go back to work. I hate these weekends where I have to work all three days. It really sux cause all my friends get to go out and have their fun and I'm stuck at work...out in a truck...watching airplanes for twelve hours. Yay me! It's pay day weekend too so you KNOW everyone is gonna be out this weekend! I could be going out on a few dates...but NOOOO I'm stuck at work. Oh well, at least I'm off Monday and Tuesday. I'm thinking about going to the bank Monday and finally opening a savings account so that I can get a car loan through them and finally get a damn car! It's all I need right now and I will finally be set. I don't care about fancy clothes, or new shoes, I just want a car! I can have the freedom of driving around and going to the beach by myself if I want to. Usually everyone is working on my off days anywayz and I need to work on my tan, so I can just go by myself or Jon and I can go without having to borrow his boyfriend's car.

I don't know about this whole thing with Peter anymore. I went online last night and all these hott guys were IMing me left and right that actually live right here in Hawaii. I didn't even tell them I had a boyfriend even though I do. How crazy is that? It's like I don't want to admit to them that I have a boyfriend because they might automatically stop talking to me. It's like I don't want to cut myself off from meeting new people because this whole Peter thing just might not work out. I don't want him living in Hawaii just for me! And plus with me not seeing him at the end of this month, I don't get to actually SEE him until June and that's going to suck! I don't know if I can survive that long. I could barely survive 2 months without seeing Kit...and look what happened with that whole situation.

Speaking of Kit, he's getting married. Yeah...to a guy he barely even knows. They've only been official for a month now and they're getting married in June. How romantic! Umm ok so I was being sarcastic when I said that last statment. I was stupid enough to open my big mouth and tell him how I really felt. I told him that it's not going to work out and they should take more time before they actually do this. I think it's just a call for attention but who knows. If they're in love and they really think a marriage is going to work out then go right ahead, but don't rush into something big like a marriage...I hate gay men that get married just to PROVE they can. Why don't you wait it out for a few months before you rush into a committment like MARRIAGE. But whatever, it's his life. I'm so sick of all the drama in Kentucky anywayz. As long as he is happy I could honestly care less what he does with his life.

I officially hate Sprint. They shut off my phone when I barely go over my minutes and it pisses me off. They always shut it off right when I'm about ready to get paid so I can't afford to turn it back on until I get paid. It's been very hard these past few days because I haven't been able to actually talk to Peter over the phone. It turns out that words over the internet turn out wrong and he got all pissed at me last night. I don't even remember what started it so that tells you right there it was a stupid argument. He claims he's really mad at me and he's not going to speak to me, but I'll be calling him tonight and I'm sure he'll be happy to hear from me.

I love him...I really do...but I just don't know what to do with myself! I think if I physically had him here then I wouldn't want to cheat or go out and meet other gay men that I MIGHT be attracted to. Grrr I feel like such a horrible person and everyone thinks I'm just this big slut that's comfortable sleeping with anyone, but that is not the case at all. I'm so sick of people assuming things about me. Just because I make friends with attractive gay men does NOT mean I am fucking them!

I also hate how even in the GAY society we have labels. You can't escape them! EVER!

forget the past <----> there is no future