15:26 & 10.07.03
Let me let go

I learned many things last night, but the biggest thing I learned is that Chad never really loved me. I didn't hear this from him, but I should know that as many people that he has affected and the stories I hear, I should just let go of the fact that he loved me just as much as I loved him. I was just a conquest to him. I was just some dumb fuck who fell in love with him because he wanted to get me in his bed. I have to admit that he was the best sex I've ever had, but that is beside the point I guess. He used me and I fell for it. I can't believe I didn't realize all of this until last night. I have talked to two people he has gone out with and it was like deja vu hearing the words he said to them. Now I hear he's fooling around with yet ANOTHER guy I know.

Chad will never be able to sustain a relationship. He has fallen into the trap of being some horny gay guy who fucks and leaves. He uses people for his own pleasure and then turns you away when he finds someone better or when he gets bored with you. I can't believe he even had the audacity to tell me he loved me. If you don't love someone, then don't say the words. Those three words mean so much to me...especially when it is said from a boy to another boy. I never saw myself loving another guy, but I did. I'm proud to say I have been in love with a guy, but I'm not proud of the guy I fell in love with.

I guess we all have to experience these things to grow, but ever since I have came out I have wanted someone to stay beside me and love. I am NOT one of those gay guys who just goes around and fucks everyone. I love sex and I love fooling around and I do that stuff with people...but I do it with someone I'm INVOLVED with. I don't fool around with some random guy and then fuck his best friend the next day. I'm not like that. If I fool around with someone, I plan to do it again. I have had many partners, but it was all part of trying to find that ONE person that completes me. I thought I found that in Chad, but I was dead wrong.

I hope one day Chad finds ONE person for him. I hope one day I find my other half.

forget the past <----> there is no future