18:33 & 20.09.03
There's nothing I'd like better than to fall...

*Once again, the names have been changed to protect the innocent.

Sometimes I just don�t know what to do with myself. I have a great boyfriend and I should be content with that, but I�m not. There�s just something nagging at my skin and I feel something just isn�t right. The whole time I have been with him, I have had some weird thoughts cross my mind. I keep thinking of Jimmy when I know deep down inside that Jimmy would just use me and that he�s just one big asshole who doesn�t know what he want. Maybe that�s why we would be good for each other because I don�t know what I want either. I�ve been thrown back into the same world I came from back in Kentucky. I�ve gone back to that dark place where I let myself be used and I was never lonely. I would go home with anyone who would take the time to be sweet to me. I would have someone new almost every weekend and I didn�t mind it. One week was my limit, it was enough time to be happy, but not enough time to get that close. Wes and I have been together for a little over a week and I�m already bored. I was already looking for someone to go home with last night when Will wasn�t there. I was just playing it off like it was nothing, even though I know it would have been a bad decision and I would have felt so bad. I don�t want to hurt Wes, but I don�t want to lead him on either. Every time I find someone, I contimplate to myself what it would be like to be with someone else. Maybe I could find someone who kisses even better, maybe I could find someone who has an even nicer body, maybe I could find someone who has an even better personality. It just goes on and on and on and I just feel that I�m never satisfied with what I get.

Ok, I take that back. There was a time when I was satisfied. There was a time when I was with someone and I felt complete happiness. There was a time when I was with someone and it felt like I was with Meghan again. Yes I am aware that Meghan was a girl, but I loved her with everything in my being and I wanted to be with her everyday. I knew it was love and it was right and ever since we broke up, I haven�t been able to find something like that in a man until I met Chad. I still don�t think till this day that Chad knows what he meant to me. The first night we spent together was one of the best nights of my life and we just clicked. I felt so happy and I wanted to see him everyday. I never got tired of seeing his beautiful face and I never got tired of talking to him. It was so nice. It was so right�but then something changed and Chad wanted nothing to do with me. I think he has the same problem that I do, he can never get too attached to someone. Of course I would meet someone just like me who didn�t feel the same for me as I felt for him and everything fell apart. He pushed me away on purpose because he was just tired of me.

I don�t know how strongly Wes feels for me, but I�m worried that I may have to stop it before it gets to be too much. I�m only here till the end of October and it would be nice to be with someone till then, but I don�t think I can. I know that I can�t stay with Will because I will constantly be wondering what it would be like to be with other people.

forget the past <----> there is no future