12:25 & 07.02.04
Got me feelin hella good!

This weekend I realized that it�s not so bad actually spending time with yourself. It�s good to have some �me� time every now and again. Friday night I went out to eat with a group of friends and then FINALLY saw The Butterfly Effect ((it seemed everyone and their mom had already seen the damn movie!)) It was fun doing something normal for a change and not going to some gay bar. I�m honestly getting sick of the gay bars and clubs around here, but they�re like a drug! I already promised someone I would go to Level 2 with them on Saturday! Anywayz, Saturday was kind of a lonely night. I wanted to go out and get drunk, but my plans were kinda shot down so I ended up drinking by myself. Granted, I did spend some time with friends, but I mostly chilled in my room and watched Hedwig and the Angry Inch. Sunday I watched the Super Bowl of course�OK so I only watched it for the commercials, so sue me! I also watched it cause I wanted to see Beyonce perform the national anthem and see Janet do the Half Time Show. Speaking of the Half Time show�what the hell happened?? I was expecting Janet to premiere a new song cause her new CD is coming out, but all she did was sing old songs, and what was up with Justin? Was he supposed to rip Janet�s outfit? Was her boob supposed to flop out like that?? The look on Janet�s face was priceless! That was just a very ackward moment.

After the Super Bowl, I just chilled online and surprisingly met four really cool guys! I hope to get to know them all and eventually get to meet them. Three out of the four guys actually called ME! I was very impressed. One of them sounds very sweet over the phone and we both share the same sense of humor. One of them is kind of a geek at heart, but it�s a cute quality. The last one I spoke to was very inquisitive about me, he kept asking me question after question! He�s only 18 too and he�s a newbie�he has NEVER been intimate with a guy! This kind of worries me because I was him once and you seem to latch on to the first cute guy that seems interested. Either that, or you become a big slut because you realize all these guys want you. I don�t know if I want to be his �first.� I could teach him the ways of the gay world, but what if he becomes too attached?? Maybe it�ll be nice to actually have someone calling all the time and wanting to spend time with me�but I might get tired of seeing him all the time.

I�m really weird like that�when I first become interested in someone I want to spend all my time with them, but after awhile I just want a break! Sometimes I even get bored with them easily. It�s like I can�t seem to make up my mind about what I want in a guy.

Who knows what may come out of this! All I know is that I�m not rushing anything and I�m becoming friends first with all of them before I rush into something and get hurt once again.

Speaking of getting hurt, what�s the deal with me taking things so hard these days?? My heart almost stopped in my chest yesterday when JR called Jon�but he didn�t call me. I had to find out through Jon that JR was in town for the night and through listening to their conversation, I found that JR had also called Mike (of all people) before he calls me! Let�s see here..JR�s known Mike for two days and he�s known me for about a month, but yet he calls MIKE before he calls me?? JR even said one night he considers me a best friend. I was outraged about all of this. What does Mike have over me? I had a sneaking suspicion what it was, but I kept my mouth shut. Basically Mike is an attractive guy and he�s JR�s type, so of course JR is probably somewhat interested, but he�s making it look like he�s just a friend, but I think eventually JR wants something more. It�s kind of sad that the cute boy wins in the end because suddenly I�m not good enough to hang out with JR. Am I putting too much pressure on myself to fit in or is it really me they don�t want to hang out with? Why does everyone seem to enjoy Brandon and Jon�s company, but not my own? Should I just say �fuck it� and move on cause they�re not worth it, or should I look inside myself and find out what sets me apart? Is it because sometimes I have a negative outlook on life? Is it because I speak my mind freely? Is it because I�m highly opionated? Is it because sometimes I complain too much? Do I talk about myself too much?

I remember walking into Claire�s with Jon and he pointed out a Happy Bunny pillow that said, �Let�s Focus on ME,� he laughed and said, �That is so you!� I laughed right along with him and actually bought the pillow�but does he really think that of me, and if so, is that a bad thing? I wonder sometimes if I come across as selfish or arrogant to people. I don�t mean to. I just joke around that I think the world revolves around me. I�m not really like that! Yes sometimes I do talk about myself but I don�t do it arrogantly or with a cocky attitude. I am actually very modest and down to earth. I know my weaknesses and I�m not scared to reveal them. I know when I�ve done wrong and I am not a coward when it comes to saying �I�m sorry.�

forget the past <----> there is no future