19:49 & 26.02.04
Everytime...

I'm so terrified of being alone and I honestly don't know why. Why do I feel I need someone with me in order to feel complete? Why do I need to be surrounded by people in order to feel happy? Why can't I let go of the past? Why am I so jealous over Matt and JR? Am I more upset that Matt gets to share something with JR that I will never have? Or am I more upset that JR fell for Matt's shit and he betrayed me in some way. Am I jealous that JR makes Matt feel something that I never did or never will? I hate this. I keep wanting to give Matt one more chance, but I can't keep doing this to myself. I didn't rush anything, I didn't rush shit. I just wanted to hang out with him, is that so bad?

I bet you that JR and Matt have spent every day together...is that being obsessive or too attached? Not according to Matt it isn't. It's because for some reason, JR has something I don't. Or maybe JR hasn't slept with Matt yet, so that is why they hang out all the time. Matt did seem very interested in hanging out with me all the time before we slept together. He said the sweetest things too...until we did what we did. So will he do the same thing with JR or will he actually stick around? What does JR have over me? And why was I just a fuck? Was it because I threw myself all over him? Or should I just tell myself that Matt is a little slut and just can't handle sleeping with the same person more than once. Why is that? Does he have relationship issues? Is he scared of committment?

I'm done asking questions. Maybe that is why I'm having such a hard time dealing with everything...because there are too many unanswered questions. Too many things just don't make sense about it all.

I still like Keola. I miss him, but I keep telling myself to be strong. I think I just miss the company of having someone there. Someone real to grasp on to, that's all I want sometimes. That's pretty much all he was to me too beause there's still lots of things I don't know about him and his communication skills needed some work. I like talkers because I'm a talker. I hate ackward silence and I hate it when I have no clue what to talk about, when the other person doesn't even put forth any effort to hold a conversation.

Another day and I'm stuck at work. It's weird because I'm only depressed and sad when I'm at work. This place and this job makes me depressed. I have so much free time on my hands at work that I start thinking about EVERYTHING that's going on in my life. I don't even think 12 hours is long enough to cover that many thoughts! Like not even two hours into shift, I start looking at my phone book in my phone and look at all the names of people that haven't called me in forever! I've started this new thing where I will not call people unless they give some effort to call me. I am SO sick of calling everyone and either they are too busy to talk or their voice mail picks up and they NEVER call me back. It seems no one calls me anymore to hang out, it's ridiculous! I actually want to feel wanted and liked and sometimes I even wonder about the loyalty of these "supposed" friends. I've personally had more fun being a hermit in my room than dealing with people's bullshit! I just know soon enough I will have a car and things will change. Let's just hope I can afford one!

forget the past <----> there is no future