15:11 & 24.06.03
Boys in the girl's room, girl's in the men's room...

I got to talk to Chad* today. It wasn't as long of a conversation as I wanted it to be, but I will take what I can get. I don't know what it is about him that makes him linger in my head so much. I just suddenly started missing him and this pain in my heart isn't going away anytime soon. He was the first boy I loved and I guess that just sticks with you. I never thought I could see myself being with a man for the rest of my life, but I would be so content living my life with Chad. He made me happy in so many ways: physically, mentally, emotionally. He cured my loneliness and he made me think twice about the whole homosexual community. It was never about the sex with him. It was about the love and affection. I guess that's why I miss him so much right now because that's what I'm craving right now. I want someone to lay beside and cuddle with. I want someone to make out with and Chad was the best when it came to that. We would fall asleep in each other's arms all the time. We would spend hours on end just kissing and not doing anything else. I miss those days. I miss him.

I get so happy when I get to talk to him. I probably sound like an obsessive dork, but I just can't hold back anything when I talk to him. I get this huge ass grin on my face when I see his name on the screen. I love it now cause he has a web cam and I can actually see him!! His face just comes into view so nice and clear and I just want to reach out and touch him. When he looks into the camera and smiles, my heart melts.

Today we got kinda dirrty. Somehow we got to talking about sex ((imagine that)) and the next thing I knew he said I was making him hard and he pointed the camera down to his exposed dick!! It was crazy cause my roommate was in the room and he could have easily seen it. ((My roommate doesn't know about my after school activities.)) Chad just started playing with himself and it was making me sooo hott and then we had to stop cause I had to go back to lunch and he was going out with his brother to swim. GRRRRR!! The humanity!!

Do you even know how long it's been since I've even kissed anyone?! It's been TOO long, that's how long! I really do think my loneliness is over-taking me and I'm not going to know what to do with myself soon if this doesn't stop. My hormones are jumping all over the place and I have NO ONE to ease this pain.

There is this girl on base that's really cute. She's in my class and we flirt desperately with each other, but then again, she flirts with everyone. I don't know where it's gonna go...and am I so desperate that I'm turning to girls now? Don't get me wrong, girls are nice, I just PREFER my boi's.

*Names have been changed to protect the innocent.

forget the past <----> there is no future