00:53 & 29.06.03
Mirror, mirror....do you like what you see?

Once again, I got a message from a movie I watched tonight. Tonight I went out with my friend Rich and we saw X-Men 2 at the base theatre. Of ALL the freakin movies in the world, this movie affected me somehow? What the hell is wrong with me? I can't ever just sit down and enjoy a movie, I have to get at least something out of it!

It all happened during this one scene where Wolverine is talking to Iceman about his relationship with Rogue. Iceman said something about how much it sucks to like someone so much, but not being able to touch them. I could so relate to him because at that very moment, I just wanted to lean over and touch Rich. We've been friends ever since we arrived on base and we've always hung out. He has always been there for me, so of course I started to fall for him. I have this major crush on him and it pains me to no end. Not only is he straight, but he's engaged. I might be in his wedding party! "Stop the wedding! I'm in love with groom." Yeah, I can see that happening.

So yeah, I like him a lot and I just want to touch him and kiss him all over. I look at him and just fall into his smile. We always joke around about how we're lovers...it's pretty funny that I wish it were true. I told him that I was jealous of him and his girlfriend. What I really meant is that I'm jealous of his girlfriend because she has him and I don't. She's one lucky girl. He's sweet, he's funny, he's nice, he's unselfish. He's everything I could ask for. I see how much he loves his girl and I wish I could have that love.

Being single has it's ups and downs and right now I'm in the down. I see all these couples surrounding me and I have no one to share something with. I see Tammy (this girl I kinda have a crush on) on base and I think about being with her, but then I wonder if I will be able to go back to girls. What if we DO hook up and I'm constantly thinking about guys like I did when I was with Meghan? That isn't fair to her!! That isn't fair to me when I want to be with one person, but I am just never satisfied!! I like change too much...I get tired of the same thing over and over again. I freaking change my computer wallpaper at least once a week cause I get tired of looking at the same picture!! Geez...will I ever find someone I could spend the rest of my life with? I thought I found it with Meghan, well that didn't work out. I thought I found it with Chris and we all know how that turned out.

It hurts to no end to hang out with someone all the time and wishing you were more than friends and knowing they will never feel that way.

X2 speaks to the gay community well. We're pretty much all outcasts and the only way we're gonna survive in this world is to stick together. I loved the part when the mother asked the son, "Have you tried NOT being a mutant??" Yes, that's pretty how my parents reacted. They think it's just a phase that I'll grow out of. I highly doubt that.

The only thing that sux about the military is being surrounded by straight men. Eighty percent of them are as cool as hell, but it's that twenty percent that I will just never get along with that make me feel like shit sometimes. They make me feel like I can never fit in. I miss my friends...I can't talk to them like I want to talk to them half of the time because someone is always in the room and I have to use code words with them for God's sake!!

A lot of my friends back home ask me if it's like being back in the closet again. Sometimes it is and sometimes it isn't, it just depends. I say this all the time: I'm still myself, I just don't show that part of me like I used to. I guess I am less of a queen and more of the "norm." I have my good days and my bad days, just like any other person. I am just like any other person, we all have our problems and our demons that we keep to ourselves.

I guess I'm letting one little thing affect a BIG part of my life. I hate being single, I hate feeling alone, and I hate feeling left out...so it gets to me. I want to feel the touch of someone who wants me just as much as I want them...

forget the past <----> there is no future