20:04 & 07.07.03
Some say love...it is a river...

In all the moments of my life, I have never felt so complete and utterly alone as I do now. It's as if every guy I see I'm automatically attracted to because I haven't had that in so long. It's like every guy I see, I wanna jump on top of and just give him a big hug and a kiss.

I hate this. I really do. My friendship with Tammy is growing more and more everyday and it's slowly getting to that point where I'm her new gal pal. We talk about everything and I'm beginning to slip by wanting to tell her that I'm gay. We've become such good friends that she's becoming my new girlfriend that I can hang around with and shoot the shit with. She's becoming my replacement Kimmie. Kimmie can never be replaced, but Tammy is always there for me and she actually wants to hang out with me. She flirts with me and I flirt with her, but it's not what it seems. She has told me that she has a lot of gay friends and she thinks gay people are cool. I feel so comfortable around her...but I'm scared of telling her.

We joked around today about getting married because she wants to come to Hawaii with me. She's being stationed to Japan and she doesn't want to go. If we got married, we could get joint spouse and both go to Hawaii (hopefully.) We also get a lot more money and we can live off base. It sounds like an awesome thought, but I don't necessarily think it's a realistic one. I would get married to her in a heartbeat because it would feel so nice just to feel accepted among my family because I'm actually marrying a girl. What they don't know is that we're both going out and dating other people. I could be so honest with her too and confess to her that I'm gay.

This yearning is killing me. I hate sleeping by myself. I miss having someone there right beside me. I miss waking up to a cute boy. I miss cuddling with someone. My friend Leslie thinks I'm a big horny bastard, but I explained to her that it's not even about the sex. I miss being in love with a boy. I want to be in love. I want to be used. I want someone to want me as much as I want them.

I want too much.

I wish for too much.

This was my decision to join the Air Force and now I have to enjoy it for what it's worth. It's been a blast, but I just feel like half of my soul is missing.

forget the past <----> there is no future