16:39 & 05.10.03
Everybody's fool...

I am through playing games. You know, sometimes I wish I was straight because maybe then I wouldn't be this depressed all the time. I was watching a movie last night and a line just echoed in my head. It was a sister talking to her gay brother and she said, "You said you came out because you didn't want to be in misery anymore, but this is the most miserable I've ever seen you before."

It's true. You come out because you're tired of acting like something you're not and you're tired of being unhappy and then you get a taste of the gay life and you go right back into being unhappy because a.)some asshole broke your heart b.)you realize most gay men just want sex and no committment c.)no one wants you.

The list can go on and on and I'm not going to sit here and explain because gay men know what I'm talking about. I'm tired of it all. Why am I unhappy right now? Why do I want companionship so much? Why do I love having someone there for me on a more intimate level and why do I fall for people so fast? Why do I let myself get so attatched to one person? Why can't I ever say NO...why can't I ever sit someone down and talk things through with them and let them know what I'm about. Why do I end up getting pushed aside, or used? Why am I always the runner-up?

These questions bug me almost everyday, but this afternoon they seem to be stuck in my head.

I met someone last night and there was an instant attraction. The more I noticed him throughout the night, the more I started to like him and the more interested I became. He was sooo adorably cute and he was just a very sweet guy. Not only that, but he was in the Air Force and he has been on this base all this time under my damn nose! If only I had met him sooner, maybe all this shit wouldn't be going down.

This is going to turn out to be a longer entry than I thought, but right now everyone can kiss my ass. If you get bored, STOP READING! This is a diary for ME and only ME...I'm just letting you into my private world and right now you get to see the whining and bitching side of me because there are so many emotions running through me right now. It sux.

I told Scott that night that this guy was mine and I was going to try to hook up with him. I at least wanted to get a kiss or something out of him, I at least wanted to see if he was interested in me at all. We all ended up going to the club and last night was one of the funnest nights I have had in such a long time. I wasn't letting Josh get to me even though he was still being an attention whore and he thought he was hott shit, but he really wasn't. Anywayz, I was drinking A LOT and getting really loose with everyone and everything. I took off my shirt numerous times, I even walked around in my t-shirt and Corona boxers that were just too cute. I was having fun just being with my friends and flirting with my new little AF Boi. He was flirting right back so as the night went on, I got soooo excited!! This guy might actually be interested in me!

Well one thing led to another and me and this guy are making out on the dance floor with both of our shirts off. That was probably the highlight of my night. I was just too hott and too sexy to even describe. Our bodies up against each other just felt so good. I still can't get the feeling of his touch out of my head. It's like he's still with me.

We ended up chilling in his dorm room watching a movie and when the movie ended we smoked a cigarette at the smoke pit. He asked me if I wanted to come back up to his dorm and hang out and I agreed and he smiled really big and said, "Good cause I had some stuff in mind we could do..."

So we all know what happened in that dorm of sin. I'm not gonna go into detail, let's just say that he's REALLY good in bed, hahahaha. I shouldn't give him that much credit, but he was good in bed. It felt nice. It felt too good. I thought I had finally found somebody I could be with for the short while that I'm here. We could be together and it wouldn't be anything serious because we're both leaving soon. It wouldn't exactly be friends with benefits, but something just a little more. It wouldn't be all about the sex or fooling around, it would just be nice to lay with someone and not be alone while I'm here. Have some fun with someone who likes to have fun too.

Well all that changed today.

It turns out what we did was just a one night thing and he just expects me to understand. Well I'm sorry sweetie, but I DON'T understand. If you're so interested in me like you say you are, then why aren't we hanging out right now? Why aren't I in your arms? Answer that question...oh wait, you can't!

It turns out he's interested in...get this...MY EX WES! He somehow got Wes' number and invited him out to dinner tonight but didn't bother to tell me...hmmm, interesting cause he KNEW Wes was my EX. Couldn't he be interested in someone instead of my ex??!!

Grrr I've explained this story so many times to all my friends that all of this just seems to tiresome. I'm tired of explaining shit. I'm just going to say that right now my mind has gone into this black hole of despair and I'm just zoning out right now. Nothing can affect me cause I'm crawling deeper into that cave that I was once in a long time ago. And no, it's not just last night...it's a lot of things that have been adding up and this afternoon was the straw that broke the camel's back.

I'm better than this. I shouldn't let stupid things bug me. I should let them run off my shoulders, but I can't. I am a worrywart. I am constantly wondering what people think of me and as hard as I try to NOT care, I just can't.

I hate this feeling. This feeling of pure emptiness and no one being able to understand me.

And what the FUCK is everyone's problem? Did some virus crawl up everyone's ass except mine? Why are people acting so differently here lately?

URG, why do I ask so many damn questions?!

forget the past <----> there is no future