23:15 & 13.10.03
P.S. Kill Bill is a freakin AWESOME ASS movie!

Too many things happened this weekend that I just don't feel like processing it all. All I know is that this is probably the most alone I have ever felt in a long time. Today I was with some of the greatest people and we spent the whole day together, but I felt so alone and depressed. I was being such a bitch to Scott today and it was probably because of many reasons. One reason is that I'm still not for sure what to believe about what he said about me last night. He can blame it on the alcohol all he wants, but most people are at their most honest when they are drunk, so he probably did mean all those things he said. I have only been with FOUR people since I've been here and I only had official sex with ONE of those people. I don't consider that being a whore and I don't see that as getting into everyone's pants. I don't constantly find myself TRYING to get into everyone's pants. Scott thinks that I'm just all about the sex and wanting to get laid...when honestly he has no idea. I joke around and I play it off that I want to get laid, when in all reality that kind of stuff doesn't matter. I'm such a sucker for the sweet mushy stuff. I love cuddling and making out. If that's all I got out of a cute guy, I would be satisfied. Sex is great and it something that should be shared with the right person and I love doing it...but I'm not a slut. I don't go out and TRY to sleep with people. I wish it were that simple to be a slut. I wish everyone wanted me and I slept with hundreds of guys because maybe then I wouldn't feel so alone at night. I wouldn't be constantly wanting to NOT sleep alone and wanting someone's arms around me to protect me in my sleep.

Another thing is that it was pissing me off that Scott was all over Billy today. Billy is one of Justin's really good friends and you don't break up with someone and not even 24 hours later you're hanging all over his friend. You just don't do that. It's kind of shady of Billy too because it's an unwritten rule among gay friends that you don't date your friend's ex. You at least wait a while and ask permission. They were even all over each other last night and once again Scott blamed that on the alcohol. It was just very rude of him and I'm dissapointed in both of them so I kept making rude comments today and I think Scott finally caught on. I also know that no one here understands my whole situation. They don't know what it's like to be depressed and NOT be able to be on medication and try to fight it. I'm not blaming everything on depression, but I do tend to push everyone away when I'm depressed. I tend to go into this black hole where no one exists so that no one can hurt me.

I'm kinda happy that Wes and J aren't really mad at me, but I told J today that I don't think I can hang out with either one of them for a while. I can chill with them at the club, but when it comes to hanging out with them on a one on one basis where they are constantly all over each other...I just can't deal with that. Last night was just too much for me. I kept telling myself that I should have to deal with it since it was happening and I both like them as friends...but I just can't take it.

Last night my true feelings about J were revealed. He reminds me sooooo much of Chris and every day that I see J and begin to know him more and more...the more I begin to fall.

Honestly, I think it is both very rude on their part. I think sometimes Wes just rubs it in my face that him and J are together. It's like he's saying, "Hahahaha, look what I got! You want him and I have him! This is what you get for breaking up with me." It also seems like J could really care less about how this all affects me. Once again I go back to the whole unwritten rule about NOT dating your friend's ex. J specifically went behind my back and asked Wes on a date on the day AFTER we had fooled around. How shady is that and I why do I continue to hang out with him?? He kept saying last night how he was so sorry and how he understood, but he doesn't and he's not. These are things I secretly want to say to him...but then again maybe he really is sorry...maybe he didn't realize how it would affect me so much and maybe he didn't realize how attatched I would get to him.

Last night when J was telling me about his mother...I could almost fall in love with him. To see how much he loved his mother and how much she cared for her son and her daughter...it almost made me want to cry.

Those are the reasons why I still hang out with Jon. He has these stories that just attract me and I want to hear more. I can actually sit down with him and have a serious conversation with him and then the next thing I know, we're playing around and being all funny. He's just outgoing and spontaneous like me...but then again...why would he do these things to me?

It just goes to show that you always want something you can't have.

I hate being alone and I hate the fact that I finally feel good about myself, but no one notices.

forget the past <----> there is no future