00:01 & 16.10.03
I grieve in my condition, for I cannot find the words to say I need you so...

I'm sad

I'm lonely

I'm depressed

I'm angry

I'm confused

I'm anxious

I'm tired

I am so many things that I just don't know what to do with myself. I wish there was a rewind button in this game of life because I would be pressing it over and over again. I wish I could start all over with a clean slate.

I've hurt so many people since I've been here because I am a selfish spoiled brat. If something doesn't go my way then I lash out on those that care about me the most.

I don't deserve to have friends. I am getting what I deserve now. People are being nice to me and listen to me whine just to be nice. No one cares because they shouldn't have to. I don't deserve to be taken care of. I deserve to be alone in this world and have everyone hate me.

No one understands me and they never will. The one person I thought understood me the most just couldn't cut it with me. I wanted something different. Then I find someone who sparks the flame in me like she did and it turns out it just wasn't the right time for me and him to be together.

Many boys later, I come here and meet one of the sweetest guys I have ever known. He makes me happy, but there is something tearing at me telling me that I shouldn't be allowed to feel this happy. There is something inside telling me to break it off with him because he deserves better. There is something still inside of me that doesn't necessarily understand why I broke it off with him, but I know it was for the best.

Then I find someone who makes me happy and makes me smile with just the look of an eye. He makes me feel whole again and I felt complete that one night we spent together...then it all just seems to fade away and I'm back to where I started from. I'm back to being alone with no one to even understand the pain that I am going through.

I lash out at everyone who doesn't understand because I can. I lash out because I'm selfish.

I'm sorry.

I'm sorry to everyone I have ever hurt. It wasn't my intention. Sometimes I just let my emotions take over and stuff comes out that should have just stayed in. Little things sometimes get to me and I sometimes don't know what I say until after I say it.

I want to have fun this weekend and I want to forget all my problems. The reason I don't want to go to Wes' afterwards is because I'm scared to death that I will be reminded that I am alone. I will be reminded that I am not good enough for Jon, but Wes is...

I will be a fifth wheel and I don't want that.

But there's also a part of me that wants to hang out with all of you because you guys mean so much to me. I know I can be a Drama Queen and be a big flaming fag, but it's just me. I like being me and I'm so sad because no one likes me for me. I have not found one person here that has made me feel like I can completely be myself and maybe that's my own damn fault. Who knows.

I'm sorry if I hurt you Scott. I never meant to. It just felt like you went behind my back and planned all this out JUST so you could be with Billy. I also got angry because I figured I would be the first person invited and I wasn't...I was the last. I don't want our friendship to suffer because of some boy. I know you're happy with him, but don't forget the boy that has been right there with you this whole time...

I'll see what the week brings. Who knows what may come out of this. I should learn to accept myself and accept the fact of being alone since that seems to be my fate. I need to get used to seeing everyone so happy with their significant other. They deserve happiness...I don't.

This is my hell.

forget the past <----> there is no future