22:00 & 04.11.03
OOh the agony of defeat...

I know it's been a while since I last wrote in this thing and my last entry was just the rantings of a bitter sexually frustrated fag, but here is an official entry for all of you out there that actually read my diary. I praise you people for putting up with my bullshit!

Today was a good day. I took my neice and nephew out to the movies and we saw Brother Bear. It was actally a very cute movie. It started to get boring through the middle and I was wondering when it was finally going to end, but the end of the movie made up for it all. It was actually very cute and the kids enjoyed it. I felt kind of old though, but it was a good feeling. I actually got to be the big uncle and take them out and buy them things. I've never felt like a family man and I realized that I love spending time with my neice and nephews. They mean the world to me and although they can bug the hell out of me, I don't know what I would do without them. I did realize today that I DO NOT want kids. OMG, I have never seen so many whiney little brats in my life! I think I'm happy with my niece and nephews and just spending time with them because at least I can give them back to their rightful parents!!

I also got to see my friend Brandon today. My how he has grown! He's a lot cuter than I remember him to be and he has boi's out the asshole. He reminds me of how I was when I first came out because you meet so many new gay people and you want to hang out with them all. You're surrounded by hott guys and you just don't know what to do with yourself! He's kind of dating this guy Tim and I met him tonight...let me just tell you, Tim is a little hottie! He reminds me a lot of Chris, so of course I was instantly attracted to him. I wish Brandon all the luck and I think him and Tim make a cute couple.

I hope to find someone in Hawaii. I think I might actually be settling down for once. I am starting to get tired of the whole club scene. I love going there and just chilling with my friends, but the whole random hookup thing has GOT to go. If I don't hookup with someone that night, I feel like I didn't do something right and I start going into this hole of despair where I think I'm ugly and no one wants me. It's so sickening and retarded! I keep putting myself down so much!

I think I may have put myself into a predictament. I ran into my friend Josh today at the mall and this boi is gorgeous. We have always flirted around with the idea of hooking up, but nothing has ever really happened. He gave me his new number tonight and I will probably give him a call soon. I'm thinking about having a hotel party Friday night after the club and I have been inviting so many people. I told my friend about it and he seemed cool with it, so he might show up. BUT I'm afraid my other friend Kit, who I'm kinda seeing right now...will get jealous if me and this guy Josh end up hooking up. I dunno, cause I don't want to make anyone mad, but then again, I want to have fun. I told Kit I didn't want anything serious while I'm here, I just want to have fun...and if Josh shows up to this party, I'm definitely wanting something to happen! I dunno what's going to "cum" of the situation. What if I invite so many hot boi's that I won't know which one to choose from?! Did I also mention Matt might show up too, but I know he doesn't want anything to happen between us. That's an even longer story!

Let's just say I cried myself to sleep last night because the ONE guy I have been dying to see since I've been home doesn't even want to hook up with me. He's scared it will ruin our friendship and he doesn't want anything to come between our friendship...even though we've fooled around before and everything was fine afterwards. I dunno, he's just all obsessed with his boyfriend and he wants to be faithful. If you knew who his boyfriend was, you would say SCREW being faithful...but I'm gonna let him do what he wants.

It's his loss...

But OH if only he wanted me like I wanted him! GRRRR!

forget the past <----> there is no future