00:55 & 30.01.04
When I'm right I'm right, when you're wrong you're wrong...

I recently purchased a journal and I am going to start writing my thoughts in it while I'm out on post. Hey, it passes the time and it gets stuff out in the open so I can be clear headed and become a better person in the end!

What is it about some people that we are completely drawn to them and we don't even know why? We don't even question what qualities they possess that makes us want to share in their time and bask in their spotlight. We're just mesmorized by their personality and we want to spend as much time with them as we can. Whenever you think about the coming days, you know you will be spending some amount of time with that person. Whenever you think about the weekend, they are the first that you think about making plans with. What if you're giving too much of your time to this person or group of persons? What if you're missing out on one of the greatest oppurtunities because you were with them? What if you spend so much time with these people that you begin to leave behind others who care? What if you can't be too sure anymore who your real friends are? Just because you spend most of your time with a certain group of people, does that really mean they're going to be there for you in the end? Are they really listening? Do they really care? If you are scorned by someone, will they be there for you until you heal? I never knew what a rish it was to make friends. We put ourselves out there for everyone to see and we latch on to certain people that we assume are going to be there for us. I understand we all live our own seperate lives and those lives can become tedious by random tasks, so can we honestly say we would drop everything if a friend was hurt or just happened to need you? Do you only have certain friends that you would do that for? Or would you do that for any friend? What makes one friend better than the other? Were they there for you during your time of need? What makes a friend a "best" friend? Is it the amount of time you spend with them or is it something deeper than that? Is it a feeling you get knowing that they have your complete trust? And does anyone ever have our complete trust? How do we even know if we can trust someone? Do we make them go through a series of tests to see if they can keep a secret? Do we see if they entrust us with something? Or once again, do we just throw ourselves and there and see what happens? Isn't life just too short not to just see what happens and if they weren't our real friends, we can just move on from it as quickly as it began. Life isn't about holding grudges or making enemies. Life is about having fun and enjoying every second of it. Maybe we should just jump into the social scene and see what friends may come out of it. Friends come and go, but at least we have the memories and we know we had fun and we cared for them when they were around. I cherish my friendships more than ever nowadays, but I also know that if I lose contact with a friend, I will not be sad. It wasn't meant to be and in my heart they will always be considered a friend. It's too tiring to think about who my real friends are...as long as I'm surrounded by fun people, I'm going to have and realize I'm not so alone in this world after all.

I never thought in my wildest dreams that I would have ever experienced some of the things I have experienced in my lifetime. It's funny how I looked down upon some of the things that I have done. I used to be so judgemental, but then I realized that I shouldn't judge anything unless I've actually done it. This is especially true of sex and relationships. Who would have ever thought that I would participate in a threesome...a three way relationship at that! I've always been intrigued by things and this was one thing that I had to try out myself. Yes, I did feel somewhat dirty and I felt like some trick, but I connected with these two guys and I actually felt for them. Being with them was fun and I felt accepted by the both of them. It wasn't even anything sexual. A lot of my friends thought it was some sexual experimentation that I was going through, but it wasn't even like that. Is it just me or is this whole world just obsessed with sex? It seems you can't go anywhere without it being mentioned! I can admit I like sex just as much as the next guy, but is it really that big of a deal? It's like everyone is controlled by their hormones these days. Their goal of each night is to see who they can hook up with or see if possibly they can get something out of someone. It seems very juvenille to me, but it's all I'm surrounded by these days. It's like the gay world has abandoned the word "committment" and "relationship" and "boyfriend." I think it's hilarious when someone says they have a boyfriend, they they don't even know the meaning of the word. It's as if they're trying to be a modern pillar of the gay community by claiming they are with just one person, but in reality they are cheating on their significant other left and right. What if you had a good friend that was practically cheating on his boyfriend almost every night and everything you saw him out at the clubs, he was trying to hook up with someone...would you say something to him or would you just let him live his life? Wouldn't you feel sorry for his boyfriend who is under the impression he has a loving and trusting partner and his partner is doing this to him. I honestly wouldn't know what to do, but I do know I would look at my friend differently.

forget the past <----> there is no future