11:49 & 14.02.04
Where is the love?

So it is Valentine's Day and I actually have a boyfriend to spend it with. It's weird because that has never happened to me before. I came out when I was 20 years old and all I wanted was a boyfriend all my own. I found plenty along the way that hurt me really bad and used me for whatever I would give them. Now I have slowed down my ways and came across a very sweet guy who understands my feelings. All of my friends think that we've been up all night having sex and that is not even the case. This has been the first boyfriend that I haven't rushed into anything with. It's been one whole week and we haven't even really fooled around. I am content with that because we don't even need that in the relationship. I know when both of us are ready and willing, it will happen and it will be awesome. Honestly, I have been too tired to actually do anything! LOL. Last night I fell asleep while we were watching Under the Tuscan Sun. I had been up all day at work running around and then went to the mall to get my contacts. By the time we got home from dinner I was ready to pass out.

I know one day that K and I are going to have to sit and talk about stuff. One night we were talking about sex and he said that it doesn't do anything for him. That made me kind of take two steps back and reevaluate whether we should rush into fooling around or not. We never got into anymore detail about it, but it just made me wonder. How can you not get anything out of sex? Sex is a BIG part of a relationship...or at least it is to me. If I'm going to have sex with my boyfriend, I want it to be beyond enjoyable and I want him to experience the same pleasure. When I have sex, I REALLY get into it and I want that other person to do the same. I don't wanna make love to a log.

So last night was perfect! We went to this awesome restaruant called Meritage. I liked the atmosphere a lot. We were both all dressed up and looking cute. I had a glass of White Zinfidel wine, some lobster soup, and I had DUCK for the first time! I couldn't believe I was eating duck, but it was sooo good. The meat just comes right off the bone and it is nice and juicy. K had some eggplant covered in mozzerella and the spare ribs. It was a really really enjoyable meal. I felt all fancy. I had some Terimasu to go as well.

We came back to the room and Jon was very impressed by the way we looked. He said we both looked really cute and for some reason that made me very happy. I actually felt like an actual couple and I realized that I have moved on from a lot of things. All I need is K right now to make me happy. Fuck all the bullshit.

Randy is in California getting radiation treatment. He should be back in about two weeks and I cannot wait to finally meet him. I'm scared, but I have faith that everything will work out. Maybe this is just a test to see how our relationship will last. We were talking yesterday and I'm so scared I'm going to meet him and fall head over heels for him and he's not going to be as interested in me as he was over the phone because he's not going to be physically attracted to me. I don't usually get down on myself, but compared to Randy I am an ugly duckling! I'm just worried that he's going to see me and not be interested anymore.

I'm also worried about K because I feel that I am decieving him. I love it that we are together, but could Randy and I possibly be even more happier??

forget the past <----> there is no future