03:54 & 22.02.04
I'm a train wreck waiting to happen...

I found out today that a certain someone reads my diary and now I kind of wonder what he really thinks about me sometimes. He probably thinks I'm just one big fool and I feel in some ways I have betrayed him. He doesn't know that Randy and I were more serious than I let him know. He probably also thinks I'm just fucked up because all it seems I can do is talk about Matt, which is ridiculous. I feel that this is the only outlet that I can talk about Matt because I don't talk about him with anyone else and it just stays inside me until I'm about ready to burst.

Like today...I was shopping with Brandon and Jon and we were on our way to the Hickam Carnival and Brandon asked who all was joining us. Jon said that JR and Derrick were coming, but Matt wasn't because he didn't want to start any drama and he looked over at me. I kind of exploded because I was partly buzzing from a few drinks and I just started saying some mean things about Matt that weren't needed. But how dare he think that I'm going to start drama? How many times do I have to tell them that I am OVER him and that I'm OVER the fact that him and JR are together. I KNOW that it will not last and Matt is going to hurt JR and that is that. I am able to move on because I know these things. Just because I talk about Matt a lot on this diary doesn't mean I'm not over him. Trust me, I am. I am over the whole situation. I don't care if I ever see him again, but if he does come around I am going to be a civilized and mature ADULT...it's the least I can say about him.

JR seems to have inherited Matt's immature ways as well. JR ended up not joining us at the carnival and I think it was because of me. It's really funny how he just got off the phone with Jon, but when I try calling him he doesn't pick up. He knows it's me and he chooses to be a coward and not pick up the phone. I called him out on it so I probably pissed him off even more, but I don't care. I am done trying to explain to them that I am over everything and I will not start anything.

Although I didn't go out and tonight and get drunk like I wanted, I can honestly say that I had one of the funnest nights tonight and it's very strange because I didn't really do anything. I chatted online with a sweetheart of a guy named Craig over webcam. He is adorable! We chatted for over 2 hours and it was just very nice. He is from Washington and he might be moving to Hawaii to go to Med School. I hope he does because I really see potential in him. He does have a boyfriend right now, but he knows the relationship will be ending if he does move here. He also mentioned that he's not going to start another relationship as soon as he gets to Hawaii, but that's probably a good thing. That way me and him can start out as friends and get to know one another before rushing into anything.

That's what I'm doing from now on. I don't understand why this world is so obsessed with not being alone. I don't know why you're looked down upon if you're not seeing someone. I am comfortable being single. Yes, I do wish sometimes I had a boyfriend, but I also know that I don't have to deal with all the bullshit that comes with having a boyfriend and I know that right now it is not my time to have someone. I also know that I am done letting temptation get the best of me. NO MORE HOOKING UP!! NO MORE SLEEPING WITH SOMEONE I BARELY KNOW! I am DONE!God, how could I have been so stupid? The next guy I am interested in, I am taking it slow and if he doesn't like that, then it looks like he wasn't meant to be!

Also, I give up on the phone. The phone is an evil piece of machinery. No one wants to seem to use it anymore. No one wants to seem to answer their own damn phone and no one seems to want to pick up their phone and dial a few numbers just to call and say what's up! IF YOU WANT TO GET AHOLD OF ME, CALL ME, IT'S NOT THAT FUCKING HARD!!

bye!

forget the past <----> there is no future