14:42 & 05.04.04
Nobody knows me

I just don't know what to do anymore. I feel like I have accomplished absolutely nothing with my life. I feel like sometimes I live my life to make other people happy and no one gives a shit about how I feel. Everyone is supposedly too busy with their own lives to even care about anyone else's. I think this is sad. I take the time out to call my friends all the time and check up on them, but do I get the same treatment? NO. Maybe I'm just wasting my time worrying about everyone else. Maybe if I just sit back and live my life for ME, I can get over this sadness that seems to be taking over my life. I'm just tired of living in the dark and not thinking anyone will ever be able to understand me. NO ONE will ever understand the feelings and emotions I go through everyday becuase they are feelings and emotions I hold to myself.

No one will ever understand why I feel so lonely all the time when I have someone that loves me and that would be there for me if he could. From now on, I need to focus on me and him. I need to make him happy for once because here lately I have been fucking up everything. I have been spending too much time on trying to make me happy, but in order for me to be happy, HE has to be happy. If he is not happy with me, how am I supposed to feel any goodness towards myself? I have done so many bad things here lately. I have not been completely honest with him and I didn't realize how serious things could get until I actually confessed to him what all I have done.

Everything is just so confusing. How could I possibly have these strong feelings towards someone that I haven't even met? Why does he invade my thoughts and dreams? Why do I feel SO horrible when I'm not able to talk to him. What am I going to do when he comes here in June and then leaves me again? I think about this everyday and I want to cry. The man of my dreams that I have been hunting for ever since I came out has appeared but I only get to actually SEE him for a short time. How fucked up is that? Is this some kind of punishment? My whole life I have been looking for someone to love me for me. Someone who doesn't care about my imperfections. I finally find that person and he's an ocean away. Why me? Why this?

I can't stand to lose him. So what's going to happen when he goes back to his life in California and leaves me stuck here in Hawaii? I don't know if I can deal with that pain. This pain right now is almost unbearable.

There are so many words to describe how I feel, but they just won't come to me. I'm speechless.

I feel like my heart has stopped beating. I feel that it won't contintue to beat until he gets here.

I can't breathe.

forget the past <----> there is no future